When I posted earlier, I was lying. I did have something very specific on my mind, but I wasn’t sure if I wanted to blog about it. In fact, I was trying to ignore it and pretend it didn’t matter. But I was failing miserably at it, so here I am, back again.
Lately, my blog has been getting about 20-50 hits a day. Which is pretty awesome, considering I haven’t been doing this that long.
But then suddenly, the last few days, my views have been dropping down to about 4-5 hits a day. Now, I know it was American Thanksgiving (being Canadian we always forget about that) and so people were obviously off doing stuff with their families.
But to my fear, that didn’t really matter.
My fear said, oh my god! Everyone hates you! They’ve all forgotten you! You are boring. You write crap. No one cares. Stop blogging you. You fail.
I know this shouldn’t even matter. I know I shouldn’t even care that no one is reading my little blog. But for me, its not even about the blog.
Its about that pattern. That pattern of feeling like I’ve been forgotten.
And it comes up often, more often as of late. I feel invisible, forgotten, ignored. An art event I did forgot to put my name on the promotional stuff. Someone I called claimed I hadn’t called them at all, when I’d called every week for 3 weeks and they just kept putting me off.
Its this feeling of jumping up and down and yelling my head off and nobody noticing. Its awful.
I feel invisible, forgotten, ignored, unimportant, unworthy.
All patterns for me. HUGE patterns for me.
Patterns that I’m still trying to work through, and still feel guilty about for not being able to fix them overnight. These patterns come up in my relationships all the time, especially with Jesse, and I cannot even tell you how ashamed I feel.
I sit there, trying to explain that this is my stuff, and I can’t help that I’m crying, and that I just get freaked out by certain things, and all in all, just feeling ridiculously silly for having these fears and worries and what ifs. And not knowing what to do about them yet. Not knowing how to heal them. And wanting desperately to have them healed rightthissecond so that I don’t have to feel guilty about them anymore.
I’m still exploring these patterns and piecing them together and putting them into words, so that they’re no longer just these nameless, wordless fears running amok in my mind. I’m trying to label them, categorize them, acknowledge them so that I can heal them and put them to rest.
But there’s a lot of junk going on down there, and its going to take me a long time.
So today, nobody reading my blog triggered some of that stuff. This weekend, a disagreement with Jesse triggered some other stuff. At least I know its my stuff, and can speak up about that.
If only I didn’t feel so damned guilty about all of it.