Taking the pressure off.
I woke up this morning upset and drained. I’ve already spilled an entire cup of tea across the keyboard and mouse and had to spend 10 minutes blow drying them to get them to work again. I’m a bit of a wreck.
I’m going through a major healing process right now emotionally, and its really starting to bring stuff up for me. Big stuff. Huge, huge stuff.
And its painful. And it hurts. A lot. Its exhausting both emotionally and mentally.
Its also something that I really need to do because otherwise, its going to continue to impede the rest of my life. Which would be terrible and tragic.
I’ve got major patterns and habits that I’m trying to resolve – feeling invisible, feeling like a child, feeling like nothing I do is ever good enough and like I’m just running in circles, chained to some invisible pole.
And you know what that pole? Its my fear. Its my hurt. Its my pain. Its the stuff that’s happened that I’m not acknowledging. And so its holding me back.
These patterns go deep. They go wayy deep. And talking about them, even if I’m just working around the edges, is big, and scary.
I’m coming face to face with a lot of huge, horrible monsters that I’ve been hiding in my closet. I’m not necessarily re-engaging them (I learned that from Havi), but they’re there all the same. Some of it is stuff that’s hard to realize and hard to accept. Some of it is stuff that I don’t want to believe, even though I know its true.
Some of it is stuff that I just tried to pretend didn’t happen out of a weird sense of protection for the person who did it to me. Realizing that I have a right to feel the pain from it is, well, painful. And I’m noticing that some of these things are causing major blocks for me now, and that’s kind of overwhelming.
And so lately, I’ve been trying to do this whole big wonderful overwhelming healing process and super charge my business at the same time.
Its killing me.
I feel like I can never get enough done in a day, and like I’m constantly (yeah, you guessed it) running in circles.
So something has gotta go. And for me, its going to be the business.
From what I can see, if I can just work through some of my stuff, and gain clarity on my life and my patterns and my hurt, then I would be able to be far more effective in my business. Running myself into the ground with my business is probably not going to heal my pain.
So for the next month, I’m taking the pressure off of myself. I’m obviously still going to paint and blog and do the day to day things necessary to run the business, but I’m probably not going to do a whole lot of marketing or other stuff aside from that. I’m going to give myself permission to internalize and hibernate.
And without deadlines and pressure and ickyness, if I need a mental health day to recuperate and cry and heal and think and meditate, I’m able to give myself that, guilt free.
Because right now, I’m being completely ineffective. And the stress and guilt about the business aren’t exactly helping the stress and pain of the healing process.
And since its also the holiday season, I figure its okay if I actually do take a holiday. And who knows? Maybe relaxing about everything and taking the pressure off of myself might actually help things financially. Maybe I’ll be able to just chill out and go with the flow.
My thoughts are that I can begin the new year with a fairly fresh plate and a little more clarity than before. If I could work through just one stuck pattern, that would be amazing. Working through them at all feels wonderful, despite all my complaining about being scared.
It feels cathartic. Like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Its feels free.
Wish me luck.