Scary, emotional, vulnerable stuff.

October 23, 2008 at 7:14 pm 1 comment

I’m pretty torn about today’s topic. I’ve been pondering for a while about whether I should write about this or not, and whether I’ll be doing it for the right reasons. I was afraid that maybe I would be doing it for attention or sympathy or even approval. I eventually decided though, that even if I was doing it for those reasons, I’m also talking about it because it might help someone else. I decided that potentially helping someone else was more important than not writing about it because of self esteem issues in my part.

Okay, so here goes.

Two and a half years ago, I was in an emotionally abusive relationship. Seriously, just typing that is scary. If my ex or his family read this, they would probably definitely bring a storm of fury down on me. And that alone has been enough to deter me. I was so afraid of what they, or others, might say about me.

Here’s the thing though – silence suffocates. Silence means that there is something to be ashamed of, and there is not. Shame only perpetuates the problem.

I’m not going to go into details about the relationship – suffice it to say that I left with all the feelings of worthlessness and shame that every other person who has suffered abuse leaves with. Spilling the details isn’t important to what I want to share.

What I want to share is the healing.

The end of the relationship was ugly (did you expect anything less?). I was blamed for pretty much everything. If you listened to my ex, you’d think I was the devil incarnate. And because I was in such a horrible, icky place emotionally, I believed him. I lapped up every word. I believed that I was a terrible person, and that I was worthless. And I was desperate for him to come back to me, and make me worth something again.

Since that time, I have carried around the guilt of having (supposedly) ruined someone’s life. I have been angry at myself for ending up in an emotionally abusive relationship. I have been ashamed of my actions, and my former desperate need for him to come back. I have harboured a secret belief that I am a terrible person. All of these things have weighed upon me immeasurably.

Today, some of that weight was lifted.

On Monday, I was having a meltdown moment. I am the kind of person who is constantly struggling against her feelings, in the hope that if I struggle hard enough, they’ll go away already (this technique fails 100% of the time, by the way. I’m just a slow learner). So I decided to browse the FluentSelf.com blog, written by Havi Brooks. I guess the Universe heard my pain, because everything I read made me feel better. I took her advice, and stopped struggling against my pain. I embraced it, and let myself feel like crap. That crappy feeling – it totally started dissolving.

Now if this wasn’t an awesomely amazing huge shift for me already, today it got better. Today, I stopped the shame. I was so angry at myself for needing my ex, that I never listened to the pain underneath – the little girl inside who was sad, lonely and feeling unloved. The girl who, more than anything in this world, just wanted to be loved. So today, I apologized to that little girl for not listening to her. I apologized for ignoring her pain, for abandoning her, and for blaming and judging her. I promised to stop. I promised to love her.

And a rift inside me was healed. Just like that.

The rift that had caused me so much pain for over 2 years just disappeared. I felt whole again. And that’s a pretty powerful thing to feel.

I hope that in writing about this, I can help someone who is in the same situation. I hope that they can see that healing is possible, that self-forgiveness is possible. That a life beyond abuse is possible. We are all so much more than our past and our pain. We are so much more than what our past has defined us as.

We can blossom. We can shine. We can create a life worth living.

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Entry filed under: Healing Emotional Wounds. Tags: , , .

Okay, having some trouble letting go… Rant: Its not my fault you’re stupid.

1 Comment Add your own

  • 1. originalpurity  |  October 24, 2008 at 7:56 pm

    Hi Sarah,

    You are a magical being. That you must never forget. I cannot know how hard it was for you to share such private and personal thoughts.

    I can only say that for me to do so was a personal battle not unlike your own…

    http://originalpurity.wordpress.com/2008/10/06/healing-lost-love/

    And yet having not so much shared but released my thoughts and feelings into the world I feel better for it.

    Whether you do so now or no, in the near future you will benefit from such a release I am certain.

    You are most definately right ‘we’ can do all the things you say – but you know something ‘you’ can do them too!

    http://originalpurity.wordpress.com/2008/10/19/footsteps-in-the-sand-ala-kal/

    It is a strange tag that brought me from my blog to yours.

    Be Blessed, Kal

    Reply

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