This was going to be a happy post.

October 27, 2008 at 2:59 pm 1 comment

Okay, so today I was going to blog about how many awesome people I met at this past Saturday’s Queen Street Arts Festival. I was going to tell you about Charlotte, the 93 year old artist who was the happiest, most wonderful person I have ever met. I was going to get all excited and dorky over the amazing conversations I had about life and change and art.

But right now, I seriously don’t feel like it. Right now, I’m kind of sulking. Except by sulking, I mean I’m internally freaking out, and have no idea what to do about it.

I woke up freaking out. No particular reason why, nothing happened. Just woke up, and was like “Whoa. Jesus. Everything is scary.” Except I know that this is a “Yeah, I’m running away from a leaf” moment.

So I know that I’m having a meltdown over nothing. And I’ve tried meditating and calming down, and I’m cool for like, 10 minutes, and then I’m back to feeling like the world is out to get me again. I’m right back to going “Omg, but what if (fill in the big scary blank)?!??!”

And I’ve been mulling it over, and I think that I know what it is – I’m feeling very “But what if everyone hates me?”

“What if, when I emailed that person I admire, they just wished I would go away?”

“What if, when I tried to help Person B, I just annoyed them considerably instead?”

“What if my blog sucks and everyone who reads it thinks I’m a moron?”

“What if everyone thinks I’m sharing my past just to get attention and sympathy?”

“What if everyone thinks I’m a horrible person?”

And I think that’s really what it comes down to – people judging me, and deciding, wow, she sucks. Because its happened a lot in the past (Any kind of emotional abuse, you get attacked a lot over nothing.) So I’ve figured out what triggered the freak out, where its coming from, and that its there, but basically, I’m still freaking out.

So what now? A conversation with the fear is in order I think. And if I ask it what it needs, it overwhelmingly tells me, it just wants to feel loved. It needs some reassurance that, no, the world does not hate you. It wants to feel safe, and protected. And its afraid that if I go around, sharing big scary stuff about being sick, and going through some major issues, that everyone is gonna hate on me. That they’re going to shun me, and ignore me and maybe even attack me.

To be honest – I don’t have a reassuring answer to any of that. Maybe that’s why I’m still freaking out.

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Entry filed under: Fear. Tags: , .

This is why I usually make lists… Always listen to the happy 93 year old.

1 Comment Add your own

  • 1. originalpurity  |  October 27, 2008 at 5:54 pm

    Hey Sarah,

    Can I answer your points

    – didnt you get my admiration email back?

    – our job is to help – its not our job to make them like the help – thats there job

    – What if we thought – here is another soul just like us – shouting out to the world to see if anyone echoes back. and then putting our fingers in our ears…

    – What if we think your quite a nice gal, who tends to look in a broken mirror once and while?

    Chuck, hate is such a strong word, and should be used with caution and only on extremely rare occasions.

    – What if we say that we are the kind of people that try liking a person first.

    Essentially Sarah, I think you are a really nice gal, and I have the simple and yet hard job of trying to convince you that I do 🙂

    Will keep chipping away 🙂

    Have you heard of Reiki? – google it – I will send you some to keep the shadows at bay.

    Take care Sarah

    Be Blessed, Kal

    Reply

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