Good morning, resistance.

November 12, 2008 at 10:59 am 2 comments

Okay, so the other day I was talking about how I want to expand, and create a secondary business, doing email coaching with people with CFS, and help them work through their emotional issues, because, you know, been there, done that.

Except this new idea of mine, although I’m excited about it, is also bringing up some stuff. Some resistance. And by some, I mean a large, angry ball of it.

And it goes like this:

“If you go do this coaching thing, then its going to take away from your art, and you’re basically giving up on your art, and its going to take over your life, and you’ll never do art again and no one will ever take you seriously as an artist, and everyone else will be right. You couldn’t make it as an artist, and now you’ve failed, and you gave up on yourself and you’re starting this newfangled business as a coach. Whatever. Fine.”

This is some pretty serious resistance. And at first, I sat there going, what the hell is this? Where is this coming from?

So I had to sit with it a while, and talk to it. And I think I know what’s going on here.

Pretty much from the second I decided at 16 that I was going to be an artist, I’ve had half the population of Canada try to convince me to give it up, go “get a trade”, and get a “real job.” And for 4 years, I have stubbornly held on to being an artist and believing in myself, even when I felt like everyone around me thought I’d gone off my rocker. I have defended my choice left and right, feeling that it was the right one, because I love art. I love to paint. Its what I want to do for the rest of my life, and I want to make a career out of it. It’s what I’ve always dreamed of.

So then this idea to start coaching comes up. This is another business, another way to make money. And my inner artist, who I’ve been loudly defending all this time, is going, “Whoaa. Wait a second there, bud. What exactly do you think you’re doing?”

It feels betrayed, like I’ve given up on my art. Like I’ve decided to go out, and get a real job (even though really, this isn’t even a real job – its a job I made up). But the inner artist doesn’t care. She just wants to know that she’s hasn’t been abandoned, that the dreams we’ve been working so hard for haven’t been pushed aside. She’s very, very scared that I’ve given up on her. Which really, is a legitimate fear, with everyone telling me left and right that I’m a nutcase, and could never make a living from my art.

And you know what? Right now, I’m not. I am not making a living from my art. Fine. There, I said it. Do you all feel better now? Technically, I am failing hardcore.

Except, I’m not failing, because I haven’t given up. When I give up, I’ve failed. So I can undestand my inner artist’s fear – that I’m going to walk away from what I love. But the coaching is secondary, a way to support my art without having to go “work for the man”, until the art starts to pick up. Because it will pick up. Because I’m not going to give up.

So today I’m going to comfort my inner artist, tell her that I’m not going anywhere. That art will always, always, always be the mainstay of my life. That it will always be the focus, because it is my passion. And I’m going to explain to her that I need to do this coaching, not for the money, but because I feel like its a desperately needed service. Everywhere I look, I see people with CFS who are struggling with this disease and just do NOT know how to make sense of it and find peace. There is no handbook.

Do you know what the biggest killer is in people with CFS? Suicide.

I nearly fell victim to it. But I managed to move past that, and create an internal dialogue with myself, so that I could find some peace. Sure, some days are better than others. I still fall down, and have bad days. But I know how to bring myself out of it. And I want to show other people how, so that they can reclaim their lives and find hope again.

So that this disease never, ever again gets to be in control.

That’s what I want for people.

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Entry filed under: Coping With Chronic Illness, Fear, Healing Emotional Wounds. Tags: , , , , .

Jane Austen, business stuff, CFS, and a lack of chicken sacrifices. It’s done! It’s done!

2 Comments Add your own

  • 1. kal  |  November 13, 2008 at 4:33 am

    Good Day Sarah,

    I really feel for your dilemas. If art is in your soul, it will never leave you, it will find all kinds of ways to express itself. “Thats Art”

    Should you pursue other paths, then your artistic flair and passions will find new ways in which to entangle your enterprises. I have seen this occur often so have hope in that.

    You are so right to be gentle with yourself, particularly with your heart and soul. They need nurturing as much as anything else.

    I will be sending you peaceful thoughts and calm energies.

    Take Care and be Inspired

    Kal

    Reply
  • 2. Sue  |  November 14, 2008 at 5:47 pm

    I think your coaching idea is a great one! There’s nothing wrong with making money in another way – it doesn’t make you less of an artist.

    And, from my own experience, I can tell you that helping other people with CFS is incredibly rewarding. When I am able to use my own struggles to help someone else, it somehow makes this senseless illness make more sense. I feel as if helping others makes my own experiences less worthless.

    Sue

    Reply

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