Ick, I feel small.

November 17, 2008 at 1:37 pm 4 comments

My ex, the emotionally abusive one, apparently just got an audition to model for Abercrombie and Fitch.

I know it shouldn’t bother me, but it does. A lot.

I feel like, he left me, and made me feel like crap about myself, and then went off to have multiple girlfriends, and now, he’s a model, and been picked up by a big time agency, and has auditions for A&F and I’m just sitting here at home, painting. And still sometimes feeling like crap about myself.

And I feel like I’ve failed. Even more though, I feel like punching him. Where is karma, Universe? He hurt me so much, and now he’s the one off being really successful, not me?Β  What is up with that?

And I know it doesn’t work like that. I know that this isn’t logical or reasonable, and that fair doesn’t even come into it. But right now, I want to scream at him, and tell him that he doesn’t deserve to be successful or make a lot of money. He just deserves to go die in a hole somewhere fail badly.

I feel like I need to be really successful to prove to him that I’m worth something. I feel like I need to show him that I am beautiful, and useful and successful, no matter what he may have said about me. I so badly want to prove him wrong. And then rub it in completely. And jump up and down and yell, “Nah nah nah nah nah!” And then tell him he’s a worthless piece of crap, and everything he said about me was wrong.

I think though, that more than anything else, I need to prove it to myself. Usually when you feel like you need to prove something to someone, its really yourself that you’re trying to prove it too. And seeing him succeeding with apparently very little effort makes me feel like, “Well, maybe he was right about you, Sarah. Maybe you are ugly and worthless and a lying, manipulative bitch.”

And that’s a voice that I have to fight against quite strongly.

On the other hand, times like these remind me of how grateful I am to no longer be with him. He wanted to marry me – I’m glad I dodged that bullet. It reminds me that I am free to be myself and to let myself shine, without being a trophy wife, and there merely for someone else’s pleasure. That is a feeling that I never want to experience again.

I still feel like there are things about our relationship that I need to let go. Some of the things he said to me still haunt me some days. I thought I wasn’t angry at him anymore, but I was wrong. There’s still anger there. It’s righteous anger though, anger that says, “You were wrong. You treated me wrong. And I never deserve anyone like you, ever again.”

I know that in time, I will be successful. But I think I have to start wanting to be successful for myself, and not just to prove him, and countless others wrong. And beneath that, to prove myself wrong. And I think the only way I can do that is to start believing in myself. Because how do you prove yourself wrong if you already kind of believe that you’re going to fail? It’s just a big, ugly, vicious circle.

So…

Step 1: Self belief.

Step 2: Conquer the world.

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Entry filed under: Fear, Healing Emotional Wounds. Tags: , , , , , .

Free shipping. Ooh, I’m stuckity stuck stuck stuck.

4 Comments Add your own

  • 1. Melanie Baker  |  November 17, 2008 at 2:12 pm

    Isn’t is a pain in the ass when being human gets in the way of living well and chilling out? πŸ™‚

    I speak from miserably slow experience that, unfortunately, getting over things (and people), takes rather longer than any of us would like. And also, when it happens, you won’t know. (How unfair is that?)

    Just… one day you’ll hear about him, or something will remind you of him, and… huh, couldn’t care less. And then you’ll wonder how long that’s been the case.

    In the end, success (by various definitions, which will change over time) will come. You’re too focused and self-aware and motivated for it not to. Realizing you’ve stopped caring about something that used to eat at you, though? THAT is one awesome gift from life. πŸ™‚

    Reply
  • 2. smlacyart  |  November 17, 2008 at 3:07 pm

    Damn those human beings haha.
    Thank you for making me smile πŸ™‚

    Reply
  • 3. Megan Lewis  |  November 18, 2008 at 12:25 am

    your talent will long exceed his “looks.”

    Reply
  • 4. originalpurity  |  November 18, 2008 at 8:09 pm

    Hi Sarah,

    I have only known you…my word less than a month and I can see so much in you…I find it so strange that you cannot see it yourself…close your eyes Sarah and open your heart. There is magic inside of you and you share it through your art and your smile.

    Blessed be,

    Kal

    Reply

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