Ooh, I’m stuckity stuck stuck stuck.

November 19, 2008 at 11:23 am 1 comment

If you’re gonna be stuck, you might as well make it into a weird rhyming thingy.

I am still feeling uncomfortable, and out of touch with my own identity. I constantly come back to the same pattern – feeling stuck, specifically in the mind of a 12 year old. I feel like I got benched during my teenage years, and now that I’m finally back in the game, I’m still playing like I’m 12, not 20.

Basically, this is how it goes:

I don’t want to annoy the “adults”. I know pretty much nothing. And I should probably just keep my head down, shut up and avoid saying anything too stupid or ignorant or naive.

And its getting to the point where feeling like this is not really so productive. And it’s driving me nuts. On the other hand, I’m not really sure how to go about playing catch up – I kind of missed a solid 8 years of teenage stupidity, and I don’t really want to take the next 8 years playing dumb teenager to get up to speed.

So I’m looking for a faster way to resolve this inner rift. And it really boils down to a confidence issue – I have very little faith in my own abilities and have trouble seeing myself as I actually am.

Kal, from Originaly Purity, left me this comment on my last post…

“I have only known you…my word less than a month and I can see so much in you…I find it so strange that you cannot see it yourself […]There is magic inside of you and you share it through your art and your smile.

He’s pretty much nailed it. I literally cannot see these things in myself. I’m still stuck being 12. And 8 years of feeling incompetent and incapable has left its mark as well. My sense of self, and my trust in my self has been shattered. It’s definitely better than it has been, thanks to wonderful friends like Kal and my boyfriend,  and sites like FluentSelf.com; I feel more intact than I have in a long time.

But I’m not over that hump yet. I still feel stuck. And it’s the most intensely frustrating feeling, ever. Ever. And I’m getting to the point where I’m like, “Okay! Enough already! I just want to feel competent now!” I realize that it doesn’t happen overnight. I have to work on believing in myself.

But goddammit, does it have to be such a pain in the ass?

P.S. I finally have a name for my CFS coaching business! The CFS Ninja. Oh yeaah. We’re gonna go all ninja on that CFS. Just watch me.

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Entry filed under: Coping With Chronic Illness, Healing Emotional Wounds, Stuff That I Can't Categorize. Tags: , , , , .

Ick, I feel small. Don’t even bother reading this. It’s just me complaining for 803 words.

1 Comment Add your own

  • 1. kal  |  November 21, 2008 at 9:42 am

    Aw, thanks, Sarah, I’m blushing 🙂

    Here is something that I came up with the other day.

    “It’s not only the comapany that we keep, its what that company inspires in us.”

    And you inspired me to write those and the other words that I have sent to you.

    Thanks again for your apreciation it is…really nice,

    Love and warmth

    Kal

    Reply

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