Don’t even bother reading this. It’s just me complaining for 803 words.

November 20, 2008 at 11:06 am 1 comment

This morning, I have run out of patience with myself.

I am tired of hearing myself say I’m stuck. I don’t want to be stuck anymore. I don’t want to talk about being stuck anymore. I just want to be un-stuck. And for everything to be okay again.

This whole, “I feel like a frigging doormat” thing is getting old. I’m tired of it. I feel like I’m repeating myself, running in circles. But do I know how to stop? Umm…nope. Not at all.

So instead, I just feel like a raging failure. And as I write this, I’m curled up under a blanket, with a big cup of tea, sulking, and ashamed.

See, here’s the thing – I went to see Chris Cornell last night. Complete and total dream. But you know what I did? I kind of fucked up the whole night, because for some reason, I got it into my head that my boyfriend, Jesse, (who is a saint, and I don’t even understand how or why he puts up with my crap) – I got it into my head that maybe he didn’t love me as much that day. Ask me why? I don’t have a fucking clue. It happens a fair amount. I expect him to just wake up one day and hate me. Anyone wanna guess this has something to do with having been with a guy who did do that? Yeah, it probably does. But I’m tired of it affecting this relationship.

And I felt so ashamed for feeling like this, and for being so needy and doormat-ey, and ready to burst into tears at any moment, that I just wanted to run away and hide. And I still feel the same way this morning. But do you wanna know what’s really messed? I’m ashamed of being ashamed. I’m embarrassed that I’m ashamed and want to hide. It’s this big frigging vicious circle, and I’m stuck smack dab in the middle of it. I’m ashamed that I don’t know how to just fix my problems, and be okay. I’m ashamed that I don’t know how to just function like a normal human being.

Ohh, normal. How I long for you. Even though everyone always tells me that “normal” doesn’t exist. But until you’ve felt like you’re not normal, you will never get that, for you, “normal” does exist, because its this place where you don’t screw everything up.

It’s a place where you’re not left with questions like, how do you tell the person you love that you love them so much, you’re terrified of fucking things up?

And that you try so hard not to fuck things up, that you just end up fucking things up?

And that you don’t know how to just be with someone, without worrying if you’re saying the wrong thing, or asking for too much for yourself, or being too demanding, or less lovable, and you’re just trying so damn hard to be everything they’ve ever wanted.

And you feel like you have to prove to them that you’re a good person. You feel like you have to prove to them that you’re worth loving, even though, logically, you know that they just want you to relax, and just be you.

But you feel like “you” isn’t good enough. It couldn’t possibly be enough for someone to love. So you try and you try and you try, and you perform a series of complicated tricks, and maybe, just maybe, they’ll love you now.

Except they’ve always loved you. But because you don’t love you, how could they possibly love you? “You” was never enough for people in the past. They always wanted you to be someone else, to be something else.

Something that wasn’t you. Because “you” was never good enough. And I’m tired of hearing myself say that, like some old worn out excuse. “Oh well, the people I cared about in the past abandoned me, and made me feel like total crap about myself, and I felt like I had to perform for them, to be someone different to get them to love me and when I was just myself, I was made to feel like that would never be good enough.”

I want to dismiss how huge that is. Because I’m waiting for someone to turn around and tell me that its no big deal. That I’m blowing things out of proportion. That I’m crazy. And that being made to feel that way is so easy to get over, and wouldn’t affect anyone else the way its affecting me.

Because that’s usually what people tell me. That I’m just being ridiculous.

So I guess today, that’s what I’m doing. Just off, being ridiculous and overdramatic and silly.

I just wish being those things didn’t hurt so damn much.

Fuck, I need a hug.

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Entry filed under: Fear, Healing Emotional Wounds, Stuff That I Can't Categorize. Tags: , , , , .

Ooh, I’m stuckity stuck stuck stuck. Positivity Fridays: A New Tradition! (Because I just complain too much.)

1 Comment Add your own

  • 1. kal  |  November 21, 2008 at 9:37 am

    Hugs and an email 🙂

    Reply

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