Archive for December, 2008

I moved!

Just to let you know, the blog has officially moved.

I’ve now got it self hosted on my own site.

To go there, visit http://www.smlacyart.com/blog.

All the same posts, all the same great content, now entirely owned by me 🙂

Yay. Even though doing this caused me to swear considerable amounts. And yell things at the computer that no small child should hear.

But its done.

And I’m pleased.

So yay!

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December 4, 2008 at 11:59 am Leave a comment

Taking the pressure off.

I woke up this morning upset and drained. I’ve already spilled an entire cup of tea across the keyboard and mouse and had to spend 10 minutes blow drying them to get them to work again. I’m a bit of a wreck.

I’m going through a major healing process right now emotionally, and its really starting to bring stuff up for me. Big stuff. Huge, huge stuff.

And its painful. And it hurts. A lot. Its exhausting both emotionally and mentally.

Its also something that I really need to do because otherwise, its going to continue to impede the rest of my life. Which would be terrible and tragic.

I’ve got major patterns and habits that I’m trying to resolve – feeling invisible, feeling like a child, feeling like nothing I do is ever good enough and like I’m just running in circles, chained to some invisible pole.

And you know what that pole? Its my fear. Its my hurt. Its my pain. Its the stuff that’s happened that I’m not acknowledging. And so its holding me back.

These patterns go deep. They go wayy deep. And talking about them, even if I’m just working around the edges, is big, and scary.

I’m coming face to face with a lot of huge, horrible monsters that I’ve been hiding in my closet. I’m not necessarily re-engaging them (I learned that from Havi), but they’re there all the same. Some of it is stuff that’s hard to realize and hard to accept. Some of it is stuff that I don’t want to believe, even though I know its true.

Some of it is stuff that I just tried to pretend didn’t happen out of a weird sense of protection for the person who did it to me. Realizing that I have a right to feel the pain from it is, well, painful. And I’m noticing that some of these things are causing major blocks for me now, and that’s kind of overwhelming.

And so lately, I’ve been trying to do this whole big wonderful overwhelming healing process and super charge my business at the same time.

Its killing me.

I feel like I can never get enough done in a day, and like I’m constantly (yeah, you guessed it) running in circles.

So something has gotta go. And for me, its going to be the business.

From what I can see, if I can just work through some of my stuff, and gain clarity on my life and my patterns and my hurt, then I would be able to be far more effective in my business. Running myself into the ground with my business is probably not going to heal my pain.

So for the next month, I’m taking the pressure off of myself. I’m obviously still going to paint and blog and do the day to day things necessary to run the business, but I’m probably not going to do a whole lot of marketing or other stuff aside from that. I’m going to give myself permission to internalize and hibernate.

And without deadlines and pressure and ickyness, if I need a mental health day to recuperate and cry and heal and think and meditate, I’m able to give myself that, guilt free.

Because right now, I’m being completely ineffective. And the stress and guilt about the business aren’t exactly helping the stress and pain of the healing process.

And since its also the holiday season, I figure its okay if I actually do take a holiday. And who knows? Maybe relaxing about everything and taking the pressure off of myself might actually help things financially. Maybe I’ll be able to just chill out and go with the flow.

My thoughts are that I can begin the new year with a fairly fresh plate and a little more clarity than before. If I could work through just one stuck pattern, that would be amazing. Working through them at all feels wonderful, despite all my complaining about being scared.

It feels cathartic. Like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Its feels free.

Wish me luck.

December 3, 2008 at 1:01 pm 3 comments

Dear Seth Godin – I really wish I could apply for this.

If you’ve ever wanted to change the world, you should probably do this.

If you love Seth Godin, you should probably do this.

If you’ve ever wanted to change your own life for the more amazingly better, you should probably do this.

Seth Godin is offering a 6 month apprenticeship for a few select, special people who are nice and passionate and smart and want to change the world.

So you should probably go read the blog post about it – If you could change your life

And then you should go here to read the Squidoo lens about it – Don’t go to business school

Do these things now. I don’t care how old your are, or where you live or anything. This could change your life. This could be the catalyst you need to change you. To become more of you. To fully be just you.

I found this yesterday and nearly swooned. First I swore at the mean computer for telling me about such a wonderful opportunity. I was trying to brainstorm a million possible ways that somehow I could apply for this. I felt like it was speaking to me – I am creative, nice, smart, and I want to change the world. It just seemed like it was too good to be true, too perfect to be true. And I really thought for a minute there that I would have a chance at doing this.

But then reality hit – it doesn’t pay. And I have no money. I would also have to move to New York City (or thereabouts). The  bank wouldn’t give me a loan because hey! I don’t really have any income anyways. And I don’t think “Oh my god, I’m going to go to New York and learn how to change the world” counts as student loan material.

Plus, if I did somehow get the apprenticeship and then somehow got a loan, it would mean that I’d be moving to PEI A) one month later than Jesse and I had discussed and B) we would be starting out with debt straight away. Which wasn’t in the plan. And I didn’t want to completely crush our plans, because that’s not fair. It would mean screwing up everything for one person, which I couldn’t live with.

And finally, the really crushing reality – health. My body couldn’t handle it. I can’t live on my own. I’ve never worked a full day in my life for one single reason – my body cannot handle the pace. Sure I work hard from home – but I can work in bed if I need to. At an actual job? Not gonna happen. At the end of the six months, I would be a mess. I’d be so tired at the end of the day from working that I probably wouldn’t be able to feed myself or anything. I’d be so done in by the end of the first month. A whole six months? It wouldn’t be pretty, that’s all I’m gonna say.

And I won’t lie, I am seriously disappointed. I was so excited about this that realizing that it would never work was kind of killing really. This morning, I’m still pretty upset. I love Seth Godin and for me, the idea of working with him would be like a dream come true. I think the man is a genius. To be able to work with genius? Words can’t even describe how amazing that would be.

I want to do this so badly. But sometimes impossible really does exist (as little as I want to  believe it.)

So instead, I’m asking you, dear reader, to apply instead. And I sincerely hope you get it and that it changes your life.

Good luck.

December 2, 2008 at 9:26 am Leave a comment

We interrupt our usual programming for some spam!

I got this email today, and nearly choked with laughter. This makes so little sense, that I couldn’t even understand why the spammer bothered sending it. Just read.

“I have One wife and two mistressses… I can fuck them all several times per day!

YOU CAN TOO: CLICK HERE

Of these things the first are said by the priestesses the
satisfaction of it had been, so far, his nearest (not smart)
society. Handsome, but rather lifeless. Lessons to the son
who had been ill and away from be made of milk and butter
warmed together, dry.”

Ahh yes. Of course. The priestesses. The not smart society. The handsome lifeless…person? (I’m assuming.) The milk and butter that, when warmed together, is…dry?

Wait. Wtf?

Oh and because I’m a very brave person, I did click “CLICK HERE”. Viagra for sale. I was really expecting something a little more creative than that, especially after the poetry of this email.

Sometimes I think that spammers and scammers must have the lowest average IQ rating of any group of people. Seriously. Do these emails ever work?

And if they do, the people they work on must have an even lower average IQ.

Well if that’s not enough to give you nightmares, I don’t know what is.

I also got a marriage proposal in my junk mail today as well. From a woman. It was delightful. She doesn’t want to die alone, and likes art and reading. Wonderful.

I’ll get right on that.

December 1, 2008 at 2:49 pm 1 comment

Forgotten.

When I posted earlier, I was lying. I did have something very specific on my mind, but I wasn’t sure if I wanted to blog about it. In fact, I was trying to ignore it and pretend it didn’t matter. But I was failing miserably at it, so here I am, back again.

Lately, my blog has been getting about 20-50 hits a day. Which is pretty awesome, considering I haven’t been doing this that long.

But then suddenly, the last few days, my views have been dropping down to about 4-5 hits a day. Now, I know it was American Thanksgiving (being Canadian we always forget about that) and so people were obviously off doing stuff with their families.

But to my fear, that didn’t really matter.

My fear said, oh my god! Everyone hates you! They’ve all forgotten you! You are boring. You write crap. No one cares. Stop blogging you. You fail.

I know this shouldn’t even matter. I know I shouldn’t even care that no one is reading my little blog. But for me, its not even about the blog.

Its about that pattern. That pattern of feeling like I’ve been forgotten.

And it comes up often, more often as of late. I feel invisible, forgotten, ignored. An art event I did forgot to put my name on the promotional stuff. Someone I called claimed I hadn’t called them at all, when I’d called every week for 3 weeks and they just kept putting me off.

Its this feeling of jumping up and down and yelling my head off and nobody noticing. Its awful.

I feel invisible, forgotten, ignored, unimportant, unworthy.

All patterns for me. HUGE patterns for me.

Patterns that I’m still trying to work through, and still feel guilty about for not being able to fix them overnight. These patterns come up in my relationships all the time, especially with Jesse, and I cannot even tell you how ashamed I feel.

I sit there, trying to explain that this is my stuff, and I can’t help that I’m crying, and that I just get freaked out by certain things, and all in all, just feeling ridiculously silly for having these fears and worries and what ifs. And not knowing what to do about them yet. Not knowing how to heal them. And wanting desperately to have them  healed rightthissecond so that I don’t have to feel guilty about them anymore.

I’m still exploring these patterns and piecing them together and putting them into words, so that they’re no longer just these nameless, wordless fears running amok in my mind. I’m trying to label them, categorize them, acknowledge them so that I can heal them and put them to rest.

But there’s a lot of junk going on down there, and its going to take me a long time.

So today, nobody reading my blog triggered some of that stuff. This weekend, a disagreement with Jesse triggered some other stuff. At least I know its my stuff, and can speak up about that.

If only I didn’t feel so damned guilty about all of it.

December 1, 2008 at 12:22 pm 2 comments

Good morning, Monday.

I really don’t seem like I have anything to talk about on here. So its just going to be a bunch of stuff that I’m thinking about this morning.

Item #1: Wall-E.

Oh my god, just go watch it. I saw Wall-E last night and fell in love. I want a Wall-E. I want a Wall-E to fall in love with me and run after me yelling, “Evaaaa!” (If you haven’t seen this movie, you’ll have no idea what I’m talking about.)

This was the best damn kids movie I’ve seen in years. It just owns. Apparently some parents didn’t like this movie because adults are shown to be great big fat blobs who killed the earth and now live in space, and no longer connect with each other, but live in a virtual world. I think maybe this movie might have a hit a nerve with these parents. (Like ohh, maybe because that’s what we’re doing to the earth right now. Just saying.)

I think this is the best movie for any kid to see because it makes you want to join Green Peace and actually do something about the planet. Kids should be learning about that now, so when they grow up, taking care of the planet will be second nature to them.

Item #2: I’m a hermit.

I did the Total Fusion Mind_funk Experience on Saturday night, which was an awesome time. I painted for a few hours, and hung out with other artists and got in the local paper and met cool people. Sometimes its nice to go out and paint and just be complimented on  how awesome your work is. Feeds the ego, helps you get up in the morning. I know, I know, you shouldn’t care about compliments or insults about your work and you should just create anyways, but hey, I’m human. Sometimes its nice to have people say, “Wow, I love your stuff!”

But about 10pm, the painting finished up, and the partying started.

I am not a party-er. Not by any sense of the word.

Maybe it has something to do with having a non-existent adolescence. Maybe its cus I’m a dork, and I’d rather curl up on the couch with a blanket, hot chocolate and a good book than get drunk and dance around. Maybe its cus parties often make me feel pretty sick. Maybe I’m just anti-social. Who knows.

Either way, the partying started and people wanted me to stay and “party” which means I sit on a couch with Jesse and watch everyone else get drunk and dance. Fun? Oh yeah. Tons.

So after an hour or so, we snuck out. No one noticed. Which is awesome. Because I seriously don’t even know what I’d say if someone asked why we were leaving. “Umm, parties are my version of hell? I feel like the outsider? You’re all drunk and I’m not? My legs hurt and I just want to go home and sleep?”

Not sure which one I’d use. All of them would work equally well.

But as of yet, I’m not very good at telling people this stuff. I just end up feeling like a party pooper and sneaking out, hoping everyone is too drunk to notice (which they normally are.)

There’s probably some stuff going on here that I need to work out, but really…I think I’m always going to hate parties. Its just not me. Maybe one day I’ll be able to leave and not feel like a gigantic wet blanket though.

Item #3: Thinking about money.

Still doing some money learning and exploring. Borrowed 5 million books from the library about money, and have been reading them all. One, more than the others, has really opened my eyes up to my relationship with money.

“The Courage to be Rich” by Suze Orman is a great read. She really gets why people have money issues, and reading it really made me realize that I have so many fear issues around money. And her theory that money flows to those who respect it and take care of it rang very true with me. So I’m going to start learning about money and learning to be powerful with it, instead of letting it scare the crap out of me.

Its just tons of food for thought, that’s maybe still too fresh for me to go into full detail on yet. I’m still exploring and learning about it.

But its a good thing to be learning about, and just the learning makes me feel better about it. Like I will be able to get a handle on money and be able to manage it confidently. Its a good feeling.

Alright I think that’s it.

Actually, one more thing. Go here and send this woman love and hugs. She’s got the world on her shoulders, and tons of pain. Let’s all help her out.

December 1, 2008 at 10:55 am 1 comment